How to heal if you aren’t able to let go after betrayal

Love is the deepest and strongest emotion felt by living beings. A deep connection with someone makes moving on that much harder. When you have visualised your life with them, trusted in them and opened your heart to them – how can you let them go? Asking yourself what is best for your self-progression and mental health is a start. If you can’t forgive them and see yourself regaining trust, then this is the time to let go. If your partner is unwilling to answer all the questions you have, this is a sign that you will punish, resent and carry a grudge towards them. 

Every relationship has its ups and downs. To strengthen any relationship, you have to overcome the hard times that test it. Losing trust in a person is probably one of the hardest things to overcome. Can you really love someone that you don’t trust? – My personal opinion is no. I think it is more of a familiarity and attachment to the person. No one likes drastic sudden change so to go from being with a person to then living without them causes great heartache and pain in one’s life.

 To be able to continue in a loving relationship you need someone who will prove their love, who will fight for you and for the future you both visioned. If they are making you feel bad for asking questions about their actions you need to ask yourself if they really are sorry and willing to change. They must be able to put your mind at ease – this doesn’t mean you can keep dragging up the past at any given moment. Once your partner has answered any questions, you have to accept and move forward.

 Key thoughts you need to establish are:

– What are they willing to do to change?

– Can you feel their sincere regret?

– Are they being honest with you about what happened?

– Will they stand up for the both of you?

– Can you see a future with them after this?

– Are they really the person you thought they were?

 Usually, we portray our loved ones to be a lot kinder, caring and honest than they actually are. We are always looking for their good points. By looking at your partner’s actions you can determine whether who you thought they were, is actually who they are.

 If you make the decision to stay with them, you need to get the answers to all the questions you are asking yourself. Be direct with them. If not, you will only cause yourself to suffer. You need closure on the event that occurred. Don’t force forgiveness, forgiveness is a byproduct of healing. Genuine, hurt-free and resentment-free forgiveness has four main emotional milestones:

 – Personal Healing (outgrowing the pain)

– Relationship Repair

– Restoration of Trust

– Forgiveness

 It is your role during this time to heal, grow, learn and develop more viable defences whilst the betrayer cleanses their soul through consistent reparative and compassionate behaviour. The primary function of forgiveness is relationship detachment. Detaching from an emotional bond happens when you are able to think about the betrayer without significant positive or negative emotion. You are “over it” – this kind of forgiveness is peaceful but rarely reached.

 The secret to heal and reach forgiveness is to not focus on the offensive behaviour. Trying to force forgiveness whilst in pain only causes more emotional distress. As long as you are still experiencing pain, any forgiveness achieved will only be a temporary elevation of feelings that will eventually move back into a pool of defensive resentment or contempt as soon as the pain rekindles. You will end up forgiving the same action again and again as the pain and resentment return whenever your mind bears thought of the betrayal, until you finally heal the wound.

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